Eventually, my “choices” turned into where I” stood” in life and shaped my integrity. Today this looks like the integrity I hold for myself, the integrity I hold for others within my community or my coaching program, the integrity I am humbled by inside my marriage, and the integrity I honor with my family and friends. Integrity is shaped over time and can be a powerful moral compass to rely on when faced with impossible choices. Choices like choosing courage over comfort, or doing what is “right” over what is easy.
My next big choice was only 2 years later when my son's father and I decided to co-parent instead of staying in a marriage both of us felt forced into and trapped by. Even though we loved each other and loved our son, we chose to “do family” differently. We both wanted each other to find their puzzle-piece person instead of forcing each other to fit. Plus! A child can never be loved by too many people. So, we chose to co-parent and shape our family outside of the traditional family structure. However, It was extremely difficult. I found myself defending my son's father because society said I needed to hate him, all while still grieving the loss of my marriage. I had to constantly choose the words “my son's father” vs “my ex-husband” to check my mindset and bring myself back to where I stood. I stood for family, no matter what it looked like.
Choices like these are not easy, especially when we become convinced that our “feelings are facts.” This is where my integrity reflection would get me every time. I had to constantly reflect on which choices stayed true to myself and which ones would contribute to a future I was fighting for. These choices turn into your stand when you constantly have to continue choosing to stick with your integrity. Easy? Absolutely not. Worth it? Absolutely!!!
Today, my son’s father and I live only neighborhoods apart, do birthdays and holidays together, and co-parent on a regular basis. We both chose to love each other as our son’s parents first and then grieved the loss of our marriage separately. Eventually, I got the family I fought for. How? I had a community of empowered women to guide me. A community including fellow dancers, Al-Anon friends, AND my ex-mother-in-law, who chose to be my “mother-in-love” to this day.
The people I chose to surround myself with gave me the confidence I needed to step into another unknown stage of my life. Choices didn’t get easier, but they became figure-out-able when I constantly came back to who I was, who I wanted to be, and asked myself what I needed to do today to make that happen. This made me present to the life I was living and how I wanted it to look. Deep down, I wanted someone I could share my life with, someone who was down for the ride, yet I wasn’t lonely. I fought too hard for myself to go looking outside for fulfillment, which is why I think love showed up when it did. Following the theme of the last three years of my life, this would be the next life-changing choice on my path.
I chose to love a woman.
I actually chose to love a person, a person I had fallen madly in love with, a person who I felt got me like no one else did, a person who showed up for me when I needed them to, a person who pushed me to grow spiritually, and a person who loved my child like he was their own.
I chose to love a person first, then to love the body they came in. In doing so, I chose myself, my authenticity, my vulnerability, and my full self-expression.
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